thoughts and fears...

haven't posted a personal post in a while, and if they bother you.. my suggestion is not to read it. 

everytime I write one of these posts, I feel the need to remind you that this is a personal blog. For me to document my life, so that one day I can look back at it and remember what was going on. But this is my personal blog, so no more reminding from now on. 

C is coming soon. Like real real soon. In 9 weeks or less, my life will be completely transformed inside and out. Yes, I am very excited. Yes, I am very scared. Excited to meet him, hold him, care for him, love on him, take 9 billion times ten pictures of him, kiss him, teach him, and more. I'm scared. I'm scared to fail him as a mother. Maybe I am alone in this as a first time mother, maybe I am not.

With C coming and me quitting my job to stay at home. Finances are taking a hit, like real hard. Don't get me wrong, I have one of the hardest working Husband's around. He works two jobs, and is willing to take on more if we need it. I started a photography business to help bring in some revenue and I will be (hopefully) substitute teaching to help. Do I want to substitute teach... not really if I am honest. But, I know it would be a big help to our finances, and it would take some pressure off my husband. So, I will gladly do it. Do I want to become a well known "Famous" photographer. Absolutely not. I just want to do well enough to help pay the bills and afford the occasion pillow stuffing to make pillows for my couches ha! 

As I am trying to decorate our home, buy myself some clothes I can actually fit into, and make sure C will have everything we need (not want), I find myself frustrated most days that I can not buy (aka afford) any of those things. I want the best for C. I want to him to have what he needs. I want to fit into clothes without looking like a sausage. I want to look cute when I don't feel cute. I want to have our home decorated. For it to feel homey. For it to be done before C gets here, so I can just focus on him. However, I am coming to realize that those things will most likely not happen. And at the end of the day, I have to be okay with that. Those are all small sacrifices I can make in order to stay home with him. If I can't afford to spend 10 dollars at Joanns for paint for curtains I already started... then the curtains will have to wait. If I have to re-wear the same 4 preggo shirts, then I have to re-wear them. If I don't get a breast pump or blanket for C at my shower, then I don't get it. It's just coming to terms with those things that has been hard lately. I am thankful the Lord is reminding me of what is truly important. Not a cute house, cute clothes, or things for C. But the ability to stay home with him. Give him all the love I can, and love his dad even more. Our money at the end of the day belongs to the Lord anyways. He is in control. He will give us just what we need. no more, no less. I just have to keep dying to those "wordly" desires everyday. It hasn't been easy and I'm sure it will continue to be a struggle. I'm so thankful for Jesus. For his constant chiseling at my selfish ways.

 I know the joy of having C, and being with my husband, will far out weigh the annoyingness of not having any money. 

On the upside, I have a feeling I'm going to get a lot more creative on ways to make money, clothes, decor, etc.

Reprimand or judge me for this post if you want.
I don't care.


Kristin said...

Kate, I have read your blog for awhile now and it is SO refreshing to hear your perspective. I've been married almost 10 years and we have a beautiful 8 year old babygirl. I can testify, even when we had NO money, God ALWAYS provided EXACTLY what we >needed<, right down to the dollar at times. I think it's just one more way of Him to remind me to lean on Him and to have faith in His love for me and my family that He would never let us do without. In a worldly perspective, it's almost impossible to understand that reasoning but I've seen it happen right before my eyes. Ya'll are the sweetest little family and you have HUGE hearts for God and ministry!! I have NO doubt that you are FULLY clothed in His blessing! I'm praying for ya'll and for sweet C to arrive safely, healthy and for your peace. Blessings from Texas!

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog a while back and love reading it. I completely understand where you are coming from on the money issue. My husband lost his job while I was pregnant and he was the one who paid all the bills. I had a job but didn't make much. God ALWAYS provided for our needs not our wants. I didn't get to buy the necklace with my son's newborn picture on it or all the outfits with his name on them. I had to keep telling myself that God has blessed me with this beautiful little boy and with all the baby showers I had he was blessed with everything he needed. It's hard and I've been there!
Back to loving your blog my brother and sister-in-law are expecting in November and when I came across your blog you had your gender reveal in pictures. I forwarded it to my SIL b/c they were looking for something special to do. They ended up doing the same thing too!!! Here is the link to the post: http://thebiggslife-kristy.blogspot.com/2012/06/gender-reveal-pictures.html

Thanks to you they loved doing the pics!!!!

I hope your day gets better!

Ben and Audrey said...

oh Kate. you are beginning to learn what motherhood is all about: sacrifice. i have lived this for almost 4 years now and i can honestly tell you that i don't miss any "stuff" that i would have without my kids or being home with them.

Ben and I have lived on the tightest of budgets but our kids have always been clothed, fed, cared for and loved. Jesus will supply all your needs.

you will be a great mom and you will love every single minute of it. and you know you can ALWAYS borrow any baby gear, supplies that i have. anytime and for however long you need.

love you and so proud of your sacrifice.

Andrea said...

I totally agree with Audrey-this is the first big step in becoming a mother: learning to sacrifice for your child!
Weeks after moving into our new home, we discovered we were pregnant, and all of my home decorating dreams had to be put on hold. I do get frustrated when I look around my house and see all the unfinished projects that we can't afford to complete right now...but then I look at my precious baby girl and it's SO worth it! Peyton has taught me so much in only 8 weeks.
You will rock at being a mother!

Helen Joy said...

I've been reading your blog on my phone for a long time but I don't think I've ever commented. I decided to get on my computer today to comment:-)
I feel like women in general tend to nest like crazy...a pregnant woman is totally a new level of nesting:-) I think you are creative and have great ideas to save money. It is so hard to have way more ideas than money allows. You will not regret staying home with you child, ever. I will say, I tend to be a decorating crazy myself and I tend to make money to buy stuff for projects, decorations, etc by selling thrift and yard sale finds. For example, I found some fabric 2 years ago for $3 and I sold it for $50 yesterday because I wanted to buy some frames. It's like a little puzzle I do.
BTW, I am a "stay at home mom/photographer" and it is the best job. It's hard sometimes when they are older and you need to edit but I just hire out babysitting when things get busy. I feel so blessed to do something I love and get to be with my boys 90% of the time.
I am very picky about photographers because I feel like there are a lot of wannabes but I will say you have a beautiful, simple and artistic style. I think you'll be great. Just wanted to encourage you in that:-)

Allison said...

You will be blessed in many ways for making sacrafices to stay at home with your baby boy. The Lord will provide for your every need! The maternity photos are great. You are very talented! God bless!