days of discouragment

Yesterday, I shared this photo and caption on instagram:

 "My heart is bursting as we drive to our meetings to schedule the home studies for our adoption. It's like the butterflies I had on the car ride to our first Dr's appointment with C. Praying for baby boys health & strength for his birth momma where ever, whoever they are"

To say I was excited was the understatement of the year, but along with that excitement came an overwhelming case of anxiety. I've been waiting so long to start this adoption process. The Lord put the desire in my heart long before I even knew Josh and since having C and experiencing the awesomeness that is being a mother it's only intensified that longing. I mean just stop and think about children growing up without loving parents. No one to give them the time of day or simply tell them they love them. If it doesn't wreck you... well, pray about it.

On one hand I'm so ready and excited to start the journey and on the other I'm afraid and terrified. It was like Satan was all "hey lets totally discourage Katie today" once I stepped back in the house after the meeting. C was a different C. The kind of C that turns baby evil due to teething and growing spurts. The kid was clingy, tired, fussy, unsoothable (yep, made that word up), and down right just naughty allllllll day. It really had me second guessing the timing of our adoption. I mean, are we crazy? C will probably be just a tiny bit over a year when we get this new boy. Can I handle two small infants?

I know times ahead will be nothing short of chaotic. Times of me pulling my hair our or the little ones doing that for me. Times of broken budgets and ends not quite meeting due to a grocery bill fit to feed a small army of rugrats. Times of bickering and arguing about toy trucks or who was playing with the red crayon first. Times of feeling like I failed at disciplining my children or pointing them to Jesus. 

but in a very weird way, I long for those times. I crave them actually. I want a quiver full of youngins. I know this desire is from the Lord so I know that in those times, he will be my strength. Fears start to set in when dreaming up a life full of babies. Fears I'll fail. Fears I won't lead them to Jesus. Fears they won't abide in him or die to themselves. But... he is enough I say to myself over and over and over. He will guide me. He will lead me. He is sovereign. He is enough.

This all may sound so foreign to some of you. But I serve a God who is so passionate about me. He cares for the small and big things because in those small and big things in my life, He receives glory. After some time in Ruth and reading Psalms 31 in my daily prayer time (stop what you are doing and read it right now... yes, I'm talking exactly to you) and reading over some of the adoption paperwork the peace that comes from only Him began to reign again over my anxious heart.

"Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord"- Psalm 31: 24

So until the time of glorious chaos and babies outnumbering me by the hand full comes, I'll sit here gratefully with my one- even on the fussy days- and ask the Lord to prepare my heart for our second. Take that Satan. Your means to discourage only fired my passion to be obedient. booyah.

&& a big thanks to all you mommas who are years ahead of me and share about your struggles. The Lord is using you in my life and I'm grateful to say the least.


Erica {let why lead} said...

What an exciting journey! This baby is going to be so incredibly lucky to come into your home. My heart has a special place for adoption too, although I'm leaning toward fostering and not for a few years. My "quiver of three" keep me busy to the brim, but I would like to do it someday. Love your heart!

Meagan said...

Oh man.. I totally know where you are at with this!
My husband and I had one son (bio) and we adopted our younger son at 20 months. Our adoption was finalized in December! I know the lord put adoption on my heart since I was a tiny little girl.. and it never left. Once we started the process, things would happen or people would say THE WORST things and of course, my heart would go into my throat. There were so many prayers and of course moments of anxiety.. but then God would give me peace. Most of the anxiety for me was from the unknown and the "what ifs".. Just remember that your path has been and will be blessed by God. And your adoption will be too. Now I look at my son and I'm so incredibly thankful that we have him. He is the sweetest, happiest, loviest boy on the planet and I honestly cannot imagine my life without him.

Feel free to email me if you want to chat! gmblogemail@gmail.com

<3 Meagan

Courtney Kassner said...

What a great reminder. Our first baby is due Oct 6 and I can see myself coming back to this post on those "hard" days. So encouraged by you!

bandofbrothers said...

life can be a battle some days. the thing i keep reminding myself is that "yes some days can be tough and I fail and lose some battles." But ultimately God gets the last word and wins the war for me. And we can all rest in that fact! ok i think you just wrote about that the other day, lol. just reminding myself;)

morgan said...

Yes! God is so amazing and he will be there for those chaotic days when you just want to cry out of frustration. He will forever give you strength you will need. :) Thank you for sharing this!

ashley addison said...

amen to all of that! the hubs just went back to work after summer break, and i am an official stay at home mama now (no more teaching for me). my week with this sweet girl has been amazing...lots two year old fits (more like real live throw-downs) and all. :) God is so faithful! can't wait to see how God orchestrates your adoption. can't wait to see pics of him...and with that sweet C of ours, too. what a blessing that will be! God will strengthen you (and me) to be a mama to however many He sees fit...and He will get the glory for it...even in those tough, long days!

Jess said...

Oh friend, how much I can relate to this post. Although I am not a mother yet, I have so many of the same fears as you. It has kept me from allowing the Lord to speak into my life about being a mom for a long time. It wasn't until recently that I decided to accept God's truth and His desire for my life in this area. I still fear so much of these things but I have come to understand that the Lord is in control and will take care of all of those things. Thank you for being so honest about your struggle.

Elizabeth Mayberry said...

Praying for you and this journey!!! are you using Bethany for the adoption!??! we work closely with them at our pregnancy center - lining up the mother's who chose to make an adoption plan with them. the mother is making the hardest decision of her life but we rejoice because 1. she chose life and 2. she loves her child enough to want them in a loving family. it takes a strong mom to do that. keep praying for her. and for that little baby. and be encouraged because "he who calls you is faithful"