my attempt at an adoption update but really just spilling out my emotions

Where to begin....

I'm overwhelmed. So overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions I can't even begin to make sense of them all. We are currently in a major waiting game with our adoption agency which basically means it's a bunch of me sitting here thinking and hoping and fearing and letting my mind wander way to far. Ya know what I mean?

 ^^after our last home study visit. whoop!

This adoption process has gone so smoothly so far. Y'all, like so smoothly. I can't rejoice or praise the Lord enough. We are half way through it and I just keep praising Jesus for how easy it's been so far. Thankful is the name of the game here. We have heard so many horror stories about adoptions- how birth moms have taken the children back, how countries won't let babies come home, how financial stress has caused way to much pain. I'm praising Jesus that he has blessed us with an easy adoption journey so far and beg it to continue until the end.

We recently just finished our home study. Our last home visit was last week & thankfully our home passed inspection. So what now? Well....we wait. It takes up to 30 days for our Home Study to be approved. The agency reads through all of our interviews, looks at our home, and decides if we are fit to adopt the type of child we feel called to. During those 30 days of approval, we are to start working on our profile book and video. Once we are approved, we will send those along with a few photos and a letter to the birth mother into our agency who will then post them on their website They will pass out our profile book to birth moms who line up with us. Then we wait some more and pray really hard that a birth mom chooses us fairly quickly.

During this time of waiting for our approval, I've felt I'm drowning in a sea of to-do lists and mixed emotions. Lets talk emotions first because they are spilling out of my ears. I'm excited. No, scared, No overwhelmed, No nervous, No conflicted, No thankful, No... excited? I dont know... I'm all those things. I'm excited about bringing our son home. I can't wait to meet his birth mom and love on her and build a relationship with her. I can't wait for C to be a brother. I can't contain my excitement about introducing friends and family to the joys of adoption & why we are doing it. Excited for all those things. I'm scared as crap that something might go wrong in this process. That a birth mom won't choose us, that the baby will have health issues, that we will be waiting for months and months for our call. Scared we won't raise all the money. Scared. I'm overwhelmed with all the things that need to get done, with the idea of having two sons so close in age, with all the house projects to complete and the timing of it all. Overwhelmed. I'm nervous about meeting my little guy, nervous I won't love on the birth mom enough or let her know how much I appreciate her. How do you express that kind of appreciation. She's choosing life for her son. She's choosing bravery. She's choosing us to raise her son. How will I convey my appreciation and thankfulness to her. Nervous. I'm conflicted sometimes. I know what your thinking... why conflicted. This is a weird one for me to explain and maybe conflicted isn't the right word to use. I've read a lot of adoption blogs and so many women touched on this emotion. I didn't think I would experience it, but I am. I have so many friends who are pregnant right now. And please do miss read me. I'm over the moooooon excited for them. Babies are the sweetest blessing and I'm so pumped they are experiencing what I got to experience being pregnant with C. But every time I hear of someone getting pregnant this conflicted feeling sets in. that's just the thing this time around... I'm not getting to experience being pregnant. I'm expecting a son, but I'm not pregnant. The hardest part is that I'm not getting that connection with him. I don't get to carry him around for nine months and feel all the kicks, hits, and hiccups he will have. Oddly enough, I desperately wish I was experiencing the morning sickness, back pain, and swollen feet. But at the same time, I'm incredibly thankful that his birth mom is getting this time with him. But at the same time, I'm so sadden that I don't. It's a strange feeling. It's like a piece of me is out there I'm not getting to experience. I loved being pregnant with C, and I'm just sad I'm not getting to experience it with our second son. It won't make him any less our son, it's just another area in my life I have to die to my selfishness. I have to choose thankfulness that our birth mother is getting this sweet time with her son. Thankfulness that she is loving him and caring for him and choosing life for him despite the pressure not too. Thankful that I will get all the rest of the years of his life to love him, raise him, and point him to Jesus. Thankful for a (hopefully) life long relationship with his birth mom loving her, befriending her, and pointing her to Jesus. There is so much beauty in open adoptions. I'm beyond thankful the Lord changed my heart on the matter, and I can't wait to meet this woman and welcome her willingly into our family. I've come a long way to be able to say that, and I give all the credit to Jesus. He's in the business of changing people, and I'm thankful.

I'm thankful for the way He has provided so far. I wish I could share how He's provided so much for us already, but some things are meant to be kept private. Regardless, the Lord is moving and blessing us and I feel absolutely unworthy. He is so good.

And now that the emotions are out of the way, geez that was a slop of a paragraph, our to-do list.

In somewhat of a particular order:

1. Make T-shirts for fundrasing
2. Sell a massive amount of T-shirts
3. Come up with other ways to fund raise. (thinking of doing a blogger fundraiser. If you're a blogger and would love to donate something to be given away to help us raise money ((ad space, product)) shoot me an email titled adoption giveaway)  more to come on that...
4. Write our letter to the birth parents
5. Make our profile book. This will probably take me for.ev.er.
6. Make our profile video. Super excited about this one:)
7. Get approved & send in our letter, photos, profile book, and video
8. Apply for adoption grants and prrrraaaayyy we receive them!
9. Decorate babies room- buy crib and dresser.
10. wwwwaaaaiiittt & pray a birth mom chooses us
11. Still raise money. Host fundraising nights at local business that will give us a percentage of profit
12. pray, pray, pray.
13. Receive placement.
14. Meet birthmom
15. Get baby boy!!!!!!!!!!

And mixed all in there is completing a million DIY projects before C's party (giving myself that deadline or I'll never get stuff done), throwing C's first bday party, crying sobbing C is a year old, spending endless amounts of time with my family of three before it becomes four, going on a mini vacation with husband, and all the ministry stuff and events that being a pastor and pastor's wife entails.

This season of our lives is going to be incredibly busy and slow all at the same time. I'm so excited and ready to finish this journey. I'm beyond thankful for all the support we have received. I'm not kidding it's been unbelievable so far. We feel the Lord's hand guiding us through every decision and feel all the prayers being lifted up for us. The Lord has blown our minds in terms of  providing and we just couldn't be more thankful for loving friends and family (and this amazing blogging community) for all the love and support.

When you think about it: pray for the birth mother, for the Lord's timing, for patience for us, and that things will continue to move along smoothly.

and if you some how made it to the end of this post, treat yourself to a cookie bc reading this post warrants a nice tall glass of milk and some oreos.



Courtney Kassner said...

It sounds like amazing things are happening in your lives. What a blessing for such a smooth process so far! I will add y'all and the birth mother to my prayer list. I love getting to read about these updates!

Nicole said...

I love you. I can't express the thankfulness that I have for your wisdom and friendship. I am thankful for your honesty and how you encourage me to seek Jesus always. I love reading your heart and your story and I can't wait to rejoice with you in the coming months!! I am ready to hear about t-shirts... I need a small, please. ;)

Susan Hamilton said...

How very judgmental and cavalier of you to assume you will need to point the birth mother to Jesus? Why would you assume she wouldn't already have a relationship with Christ?

Kate Kubler said...

I apologize if it came across like that it certainly wasn't my intention. When I talk about pointing others to Jesus I mean that I hope through my attitude and actions others see Christ in me. As believers each of us still needs to be pointed to Christ everyday. I know that I do. My husband daily points me to Christ. I have actually been assuming she will be a believer since we are going through a Christian Agency for an adoption. Again, I apologize if that was not communicate well.