Real Life Diaries : My Miscarriage

Psalm 112:7  
He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.

I've avoided writing this post like the plague, but I think I'm ready to blabber out all my thoughts, get them written, get this post over with, and try to figure out how to press forward.

I miscarried.

This past 2 weeks has been the most insane. Let me just give you a brief recap. My sister miscarries, my brother gets engaged, I find out I'm pregnant but that somethings wrong, the Lord works a miracle in my family's life, spiritual warfare hits me like never before, I spend an entire week in and out of the ER & doctor's office praying and hoping that somehow my pregnancy makes it.

I feel like I've been living in this waiting room. Living in the uncertainty is hands down one of the most depressing places to linger in. A trip to the ER after taking a positive at home pregnancy test, but having two weeks worth of bleeding happened last Sunday. It was a useless trip. They couldn't tell me a definite answer. I then spent all of last week in and out of the doctor's office 9 times having my blood taken & multiple ultrasounds. My doctor worried that since my levels were slowly rising, but because they were weeks behind what they should be, that I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. I begged the Lord for that to not be so.

On Friday, I was told that my levels went down. Thus meaning a miscarriage but not ectopic. I don't even know if I can accurately describe my emotions from it all. I'm obviously upset and devastated of our loss. Having C shows me what I'm missing and that's heart breaking. Losing a baby, no matter how far along, is always, always difficult. I'm relieved that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. I'm scared it will happen again. I'm mostly numb, confused how to feel. I never was allowed to celebrate this pregnancy, it was ended before I even knew it began. To me, that's just evidence of the Lord's grace. I can't imagine how much harder it would be for me if I had known and gotten excited. The Lord rescued me from that. I'm at peace. I know the Lord is always good. He was incredibly gracious in His timing. Because my family was experiencing great joy from another situation, my focus was more on that joy than my own grief.  I'm joyful. Jesus is my true joy, not my present circumstances.
John Piper says it best, “the human quest for joy leads straight to the missionary heart of God. You can see it already. But let me put it together: God is the fountain of joy because he is blindingly glorious, and infinitely worthy, and breathtakingly beautiful, and awesome in power, and inscrutable in wisdom, and limitless in knowledge, and tender in mercy, and terrible in wrath, and the source and foundation of all truth and goodness and beauty. When we see him for what he really is, and turn from all the broken cisterns of the world that cannot satisfy (Jeremiah 2:13), we find "joy unspeakable and full of glory" (1 Peter 1:8).

I'm also thankful. Thankful that we are adopting, that even though we lost one child, I have another child on the way. I'm overwhelmed by God's grace and comfort. Knowing that I will one day see this child in perfection overwhelms me with gratitude.

I know that every woman struggles and deals with her miscarriage differently & that is perfectly okay. And while I'm devastated my sister experienced a miscarriage, I'm thankful we can heal together. Her healing process will be completely different from mine, and although our situations are entirely different, she still understands what I'm going through. And even when I feel alone in my situation, when I feel like no one really, truly understands what I'm feeling, I know that God knows.
 2 Corinthians 1:3-5, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”

And I just have to add that I have the most incredible husband. He allowed me to grieve in a way that made sense to me. He's held my hand, cuddled me, reassured me, and loved me through this all. He's served his guts out & taken care of our son. He exudes Christ's love to me & I'm so thankful.

oh, and reading this post helped a lot. I had no idea when I asked her to write that post, that I would be reading it one day for myself. Girlfriend nailed exactly what I wanted to say here today. GO read that post, especially if you are suffering from or have ever suffered with a miscarriage. I couldn't have said it better myself!! So thankful for this girl & all my other friends and family who loved on us, cooked us dinner, cleaned our home, sent us encouraging texts, and most importantly prayed for us. There is simply nothing quite like the body of Christ.

All of this for the Glory of the Lord. He is so good. 


Kate Kubler said...

I've been following your blog for a while and this one makes me so sad for you! So sorry for your loss! I miscarried our first baby and I didn't get to celebrate either. Within 24 hours of finding out we were expecting I started bleeding. It was terrifying and so heart breaking. I prayed and pleaded for God to not take my baby, but He had a better plan and while that didn't ease the pain it helped me find hope knowing that something good would come out my situation. And a year later I had a baby girl! Losing a baby is the worst most emptying feeling in this world. I hurt for you knowing the pain that you feel! I know that God has a plan for you and for the next baby that will come! So sorry for your loss!

Kate Kubler said...

Kate, I am so sorry to hear of your loss (and your sister's as well). Last summer, my husband and I lost our first pregnancy at about 8 weeks. We had only known for a little over a week at that point, but it was still devastating, so I can empathize with you. Losing a pregnancy is so hard. You're sad, and grieving over your little lost baby, but at the same time, are grateful that it didn't occur later on, because that's even harder. It's just difficult all the way around:( Sending prayers and hugs your way as you and your sister both navigate the healing process. xo.

Kate Kubler said...

Thank you for always being so real, so raw, so honest and vulnerable here. I am so sorry for what you must be going through, I cannot even begin to imagine but I know it would be terribly painful and heartbreaking. My heart hurts for you, but rejoices in the baby God is going to bring into your family in His perfect timing. Praying for you Kate.

Kate Kubler said...

Thankful for your heart. I won't try and use words of comfort.. what an unimaginable loss. But God is good, and I'm sure glad that you know and speak that truth! Praying continued peace over your heart! XO

Kate Kubler said...

What an emotional two weeks for you! I'm happy for you that your faith allows you to find peace, but sad for you simply because loss is sad. I love following along with your story, and i'm thankful you shared this with your readers!

Kate Kubler said...

I am also praying for you and your family in this chapter of life. What an encouragement to hear you speak on your experience. The Lord is certainly using you through your words.

Kate Kubler said...

Praying with you Katie! I know te pain of miscarriage as well and longing for that child. It's never easy, and I'm thankful you are sharing. Allowing others to pray over you and be encouraged by you too!

Melea Martin said...

I have been reading your blog all day! wonderful:) How did you end up getting pregnant with baby W? Did you change anything, foods, exercise, etc? My husband and I have been trying for almost 2 years. Now working on adoption. Thanks for any help you can give :)