A Very Hefty Adoption Update

Well. This post has been a long time coming. I've been putting it off like the plague, but I think it's finally time to give an Adoption update.

You guessed it. There really isn't one. We are STILL waiting to be matched with a birthmother. We are at a ripe 8 months of waiting for that phone call and the days keep coming. Going on 3 years of being in this process.

There have been several parts of this waiting season that I haven't shared publicly because they've just been too hard or the timing didn't feel right, but mainly because the Lord had so much sanctifying work to do in my heart first. And if there is anything all this waiting has spurred me on to do... it is to desire my Jesus and his sanctifying work in my life above all else. It's taken me weeks to write this post. Mainly because I don't feel "arrived" at all on any of the points I'll talk about. Most of them were things I already knew but the Lord deepened my understanding of them during these 8 months. And I'm not a writer. My husband has a way with words and expressing himself through them that I'll never posses. I just word vomit and ramble until the cows come home. It's one of the reasons I've put off writing all of this because I just worried I wouldn't do it justice. I wouldn't explain beautifully enough how the Lord has worked.  But He can and will still receive praise through my elementary vocabulary and terribly put together sentences (yes, I was an English teacher and I dooooo actually know how to write complete and complex sentences, but this is my free place. I don't worry about that here. obviously. I promise I am educated though and my students were wildly successful in their testing. Grace. He gives grace haha).

About a week or two ago, we experienced our fourth failed possible match. Four times we've come THIISSSSS close to being matched but for one reason or the other, the Lord graciously shut the door. Yes, I said graciously. These four experiences were in so many ways BRUTAL to walk through. But with each one, the Lord drew me closer to Him, gave me more of Himself, showed me His loving Grace, sanctified my heart, revealed hidden sin in my heart, and reminded me of His sovereignty. To say it's been a humbling walk is an understatement. Serious understatement.

In random order, here are some things the Lord has taught me or deepened my understanding of through all the waiting and all the nos: (again, I feel inadequate to speak on some of these things because he is STILL teaching them to me. Some days I have victory over them and some days I really struggle with this waiting. But over and over again the Lord has proven faithful to give me just enough grace to get through each day)

1. The "No's" were a blessing. With the first two situations, I didn't really see it that way. I was hurt, I was mad, frustrated, and just ready to know this birth mama, love on her, and meet her child. I was ready to have this baby in our home. The Lord called us to this and giving us two No's seemed so cruel. They happened within about a week of each other this past Novemeber and one of the situations was us having to actually tell a birthmother No. I won't get into the specifics because honestly, I don't need to justify our reasons for us telling a birthmother no. The Lord showed us CLEARLY that it was His plan for us and He had another Godly family in mind for this momma. Goodness I NEVER EVER EVER EVER thought when we started this process that I would tell a BM no. It was so incredibly painful and confusing. Why had the Lord allowed it? And right after a failed possibility days before. It was so hard. SO HARD. My Husband- the insanely Godly man that he is- spoke so much grace and truth into my life during those days. About a week or so after, the Lord began to show me all the ways these two "No's" were a blessing and His will. He confirmed things in my heart that I needed confirming. He revealed sin that I needed to repent of. And He lovingly showed me that He heard my cries and my prayers and that He was with me.

"He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together" Col 1:17

He gave me this verse during that hell of a week. And I clung to its sweet truth. These No's were a blessing because they gave me more of Jesus. He is before every No. They were not a shock to Him. He allowed them for His glory and my good. He would hold me together. He would hold this adoption together because He holds ALL things together. I could let go and trust in His plan. With the next two No's I saw them as blessings before they were confirmed No's. With the initial phone calls, I told the Lord, no matter the outcome, He is good. He is faithful. and I want whatever will give me more of Him. I asked Him to reveal more of Himself to me and to let my eyes be wide open to see what it is He wanted to teach me. They ended up, of course, being no. And it was still very hard having another possibility fall through, but with these two no's it was also very sweet. Because I could sense His presence so so strongly. I could see how He was working and because I laid down my own desires, I could see what the Lord wanted to teach me through them so much more clearly. I am thankful for these No's and all the No's to come in the future (although I pray 5 is the magic number and a big FAT YES) because I know that they will lead me closer to my Savior. That my relationship with Him will be that much stronger and more ugly, sinful pieces of me will fall off through his sanctifying work.

For All the Promises of God find their Yes in Him. 2 Cor 1:20

My Yes, forever and always, is Jesus. "Beneath the unpredictability of our hoping and waiting, there is the certainty that come what may, all our hopes are ultimately fulfilled in Christ" I don't have the words eloquently enough to describe the weight and depth of that verse and quote. I just encourage you to meditate on them. Memorize them. and the let the Lord bring you FREEDOM through them.

2. Waiting is a calling and grace from the Lord. I can look back over the last 8 months of waiting and see how the Lord has changed me as a person, drawn me closer to Him, and done sanctifying work in my life.

"In calling us to wait, God is freeing us from the claustrophobic confines of our own little kingdoms of one and drawing us into a greater allegiance to his kingdom of glory and grace. Waiting is more than being patient as situations and other people change. Waiting is about understanding that you and I desperately need to change, and that waiting is a powerful tool of personal change. God is using the grace of waiting to change us at the causal core of our personhood: the heart"

I could go on and on about this topic, but instead I found these two articles that articulate everything the Lord has personally shown me. I wish I would have found them at month 1, but I can see now that the Lord needed me to learn the hard way for His glory. As I was preparing to write this I struggled with how to say everything I wanted to say. So I thought "hmmm, I bet there is an article out there somewhere that will do a better job, because I KNOW I'm not the only one that has dealt with this." And of course, there was.  This article and this article hit the nail on the head.

3. Community is VITAL. Good Grief, I really could talk about this allllllll day. I would say I had great community with believers before we started this journey again. I feel so incredibly thankful the Lord placed us at our church and called us to plant it. He has blown me away with His grace and the community that has been built through Redeemer Baptist. But the enemy is cunning. And when you enter into a new waiting season, he likes to feed lies that you are alone. (and let me preface all this with saying that my husband is first and foremost my biggest source of encouragement. And I'm incredibly thankful for that. He is such a blessing from the Lord and so patient to hear me out and quick to point me to Christ. I knew though that it was biblical and needed for me to have close friends that I could do the same with. Sure, I had a couple friends who were also adopting, but both were international so then enemy would feed me lies that they didn't really understand what I was walking through. And OF COURSE my friends who had never adopted couldn't be an encouragement to me. They would never understand what I was facing and struggling with. Ugh, it sickens me how deceiving Satan can be. I prayed that the Lord would send me friends that would understand what I was walking through and he QUICKLY showed me that he already had. My friends, no matter if they were adopting or not, could be some of the encouragement I needed, BUT only if I let them (and a good handful of them were already committed to praying for me and serving me. I just didn't see it as the encouragement that it was because I was so bent with finding someone who would exactly understand what I was going through. When in reality, that will only ever be Jesus). I had to open up. I had to throw away the excuse that they wouldn't understand and I had to be vulnerable with them. I learned the best way to do this, was to simply care for them and pray over their burdens. I started diligently praying over their burdens more than I prayed for my own. I became emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally invested in their lives, burdens, and prayers to the point that my burdens became back burners to theirs. This wasn't something I did or came up with on my own. This was deep conviction from the Lord (through His word and through how some of my friends were already living it out) that I was too self absorbed in my own issues and world. My own "bubble". If I wanted encouragement and prayers from friends, I needed to first be that for them. I needed to serve them in prayer and in any practical ways that would bless them. I can't say enough what a blessing it has been to walk hard roads with some of my dearest friends. It's been excruciating at times seeing them so burdened and desperate for the Lord to move, but when I saw those prayers answered and promises fulfilled, it was massively encouraging to me that the Lord would, in His timing, do the same for me. I learned a lot about what true friendship and community in Christ looked like through these friends. So many of them do a way better job and loving me than I do for them. Community is hard. You HAVE to work for it. You must befriend people who are different than you or in different seasons of life than you are in. You can't just sit back and wait for it to come to you (although I'm extremely thankful for the friends who first pursued me and showed me what community looked like). You must daily text people, check in on them weekly, ask them for coffee, bring them dinner, drop off surprise treats, pray for them (and really commit to praying for them, not just saying that you will) and then tell them you're praying, and truly put them first. Find ways they like to be served and serve them in those ways (and obviously your husband should be a priority in this). With each possible match we agreed we'd only ask "our people" to pray over it. I wanted to keep it as private as possible until we had been matched. But as I started thinking of all the people who were walking this road with us and texting us daily and praying over us and checking in on us and truly carrying this burden, I realized we were well over 40 people. People TRULY committed to this journey with us. There are so many more that I know have been praying, but these are the few that have been in the trenches with us, checked in on us often, and allowed me to be sinful in front of them and vent over my struggles and then graciously pointed me to Christ. These last 8 months of community have been some of the sweetest of my entire life. So much grace has been poured out over me through these family and friends and I'm forever grateful for how they listen and serve my family and consistently point me to Christ. I still have so much growing to do in this area. I know there are more people for me to love and serve. There are people I need to love and serve better. This is an area of my life that I know the Lord will work on in my life for my whole life. We can always do a better job at loving others. Friend, if you aren't involved in a local church. Please find one that preaches the Word, lives out the gospel, loves people, and cultivates community. If you are unsure of where to go in your area, this LINK is a great resource. And if you are a part of one, dive in harder. Love more. Serve more. Ask the Lord to show you ways you can better be His hands and feet to the brothers and sisters you gather with. Phew, I told you I could talk all day about this.

4. PRAY BOLDLY. This goes a little hand in hand with what I just talked about but I felt it needed it's own little section. While cultivating this deep community, the Lord taught me the importance of praying boldly over these people, their burdens and prayer requests, and my own.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Heb 10:23

The Lord is ever faithful. He can't not be faithful. He proved it a thousand times over in the Old Testament and then again, with finality, with Christ's death. It is His character. He WAS and IS and WILL BE forever faithful. So what is there to fear? There is no room for fear. His faithfulness is too great. Right before Christmas, the Lord convicted me over my prayer life. I prayed daily and often but I lacked a deep, bold prayer life. I didn't pray expectantly of the Lord to move. I knew that He could but I often doubted that He would. I didn't pray with urgency. Over time, He radically transformed my prayer life and showed me the importance of praying boldly, with expectancy, with urgency, with passion, and humbly. Praying boldly can mean several different things, but one of the main things for me was letting go of that fear behind my prayers. The fear that the Lord wouldn't answer or that he wouldn't complete what he called us to. It takes daily repentance on my part and memorization of scripture to fight off those sinful fears. I'll never ever forget the month of February 2016, though. It was a month that I fiercely prayed over for 6 dear friends. They were each walking hard roads with big prayer requests that seemed to be impossible. I prayed without fear over them and I prayed expectantly that the Lord would answer them by the end of the month. One by one, He answered in miraculous ways, NOT because of anything I said or did, but out of His grace and to give himself glory. I know they were huge blessings to my friends, but honestly they blessed me so much as well because of what the Lord was teaching me about prayer. Just getting to be apart of His will for their lives brought me great joy. The last one wasn't answered until March, though. And through that the Lord reminded me that His timing is perfect. And I can pray big, expectant prayers and when the answer is No, I still get Jesus and He is still good and the giver of good gifts. Because my prayers are most importantly about drawing me closer to Christ and Him alone receiving the glory. Once again, I feel like I'm not doing this topic justice. This articleand This article help further express what I'm trying to say.

5. Scripture and the Word are oxygen to our soul. Memorizing scripture is crucial in our walks with the Lord. It's how we learn more about Him, how we keep ourselves grounded, how we fight off the enemy, how we encourage others, and how we bring Glory to God. I love repeating scripture back to the Lord and to myself. Scripture is the BEST tool. I write them on my hands, in my prayer journal, on sticky notes, on index cards, on my fridge, as my iphone screen saver, and I repeat them to friends.

I've already listed some of the verses that the Lord has given me during this wait. Here are a few more:

Romans 12:12  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. - This is how I want to spend this waiting season.

Romans 5:3-5

³ We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. ⁴ And patience produces character, and character produces hope. ⁵ And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts. He gave us his love through the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to us.

2 Cor 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - On the hard days when I feel I'm failing, I can boast in my weakness, because Christ is strong in me. His power and strength can carry me and pull me closer to Him. My weakness reminds me that by His grace alone can I make it through each day. And it's okay to have hard days because they lead me to repentance. They lead me to Christ.

Prov 31:25

She is clothed in strength and dignity, and She laughs without fear of the future. -This is who I want to be. The type of woman I want to be. I want to be strong in Christ. I want to laugh at any fears that may fill my head. Christ is sovereign and in control, what do I have to be fearful of?

Psalm 118:24

this is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.- This day of waiting, every day of waiting is on purpose. It is ordained by God. So while I may not want it to be another day of waiting, I can be joyful in it. He's made this day for His glory. Him alone be praised!!

Isaiah 43:19

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.- I don't want to be so consumed in my own waiting season that I miss out on what the Lord is doing in other's lives or in other areas of my own life. I want my eyes to be wide open to all He has to show me and teach me. 

Goodness, this was a doosy of a post. I've really wanted to document it all for quite some time now, but the Lord just keeps peeling back these layers of my sinful flesh and teaching me new things about him. I feel like I didn't do some of these justice, but I think that's okay. Because I know what He's taught me and how He's used this waiting season to drastically change me.  My hopes in sharing this is to encourage anyone out there struggling in their own waiting season. CLING TO JESUS. RUN TO HIM. READ HIS WORD. SEEK GOSPEL COMMUNITY. MEMORIZE SCRIPTURE. MAKE MUCH OF JESUS. And moment by moment surrender your ways to Him. We will never "arrive" in these areas. There is always more to learn and more to repent of. In this waiting season, ask the Lord to open your eyes to what he has to show/teach you. Praise Him for each day of waiting. Choose Joy. If Christ is in you, you have the joy, strength, and hope to make it through each day. Make each day about Him, giving Him glory, and serving others. Pop your "bubble" and love others well. He has called you to this waiting for a purpose. He will be faithful to carry you through. 

Thank you to my husband and friends who have been such Godly examples to me. Who have been so incredibly patient and understanding and loved me so well. Who have pointed me to Christ when my sin showed it's ugly face. Who have let me vent and voice my struggles. Who haven't judged me, but listened and loved me well. Who have prayed endlessly over our adoption and even set alarms to remind them to pray multiple times a day. Who have texted me scripture and written out prayers. You have all been the hands and feet of Christ to me and the Lord has used you all to reveal more of Himself to me. I'm forever grateful. 

Ways you can be praying for us: 

-Continued contentment in this waiting season

-our future birthmom. Please pray more for her than me. The struggles I have COMPARE NOTHING to what she is walking through. Pray protection over her and the baby. Pray for a smooth pregnancy and delivery. Confidence and Peace in her decision of adoption. Pray the Lord blesses her for her strength and bravery. Pray that Josh and I are able to love her well, point her to Christ, minister to her, champion her, encourage and support her in all the ways that will be most helpful to her. Pray for her salvation if she doesn't already know the Lord. Pray she would be willing to have an open adoption. 

-the birthfather. Basically all the same things I listed above. We pray that he will want to be apart of the child's life as well and for his salvation. 

-that our adoption would happen before August. Come August we will face a pretty big crossroads. Our homestudy will expire and we will lose our $4,000 grant. We will be able to reapply for this grant but we may not receive that same amount. We are desperately praying for a placement by then so we do not lose this money and have to go back through all the steps for our homestudy a third time. 

-Pray for the Cole family and the Fortenberry family. These are two other families that are friends of ours and are currently adopting as well. Pray placements for them before the end of the summer too!

-Pray for Aldridge family who fly out next week to bring their daughter home from the Congo. 

-Pray for the May family who are pursuing adoption through Foster Care.

And I leave you with a song that I have been singing daily.

"Today's surrender is tomorrow's freedom"

I want him to know

I want him to know how much I'm loving this stage. He's adventurous. Sometimes rowdy. Always curious and seriously sweet. I want him to know I love being his best friend. I know as he grows I will become less of a friend and more of a parent, and that's honestly how I want it to be, but right now, I'm momma and his BFF. And it makes me feel like the richest woman on earth. I want him to know I LOVE playing dinosaurs with him, and reading books over and over, and watching cars go by, and playing ball, and chasing him around the house. I want him to know that being a SAHM was always my dream job and continues to be. Some days aren't very glamourous. In fact, that's most days. But everyday I get to watch him grow, I get to help mold him into the man the Lord has for him, I get to help point him to Jesus, I get to watch him discover and learn and explore. To me, this is is the best. I want him to know I will always be his biggest fan, and I will love him no matter what his future holds. I want him to know just how incredibly blessed he is too have his daddy. A man that loves Jesus more than us. A man who actually wants to spend as much time with him as he can. A man who provides for us so that I can stay home. I want him to know that. I want him to know that with every fit, bite, cry, scream, or tantrum, my love for him only abounds. I try my best to keep to my patience and discipline him in love, but sometimes I fail. I want him to know I'm not perfect, that I will mess up. That I will parent wrong sometimes, but because of Jesus, there is grace. I want him to know that I'm making it a habit to apologize to him when those times happen. I want him to grow up seeing me repent and turn to Jesus. I want him to know that there is no amount of words to describe my thankfulness for being his momma. He brought me to this journey of motherhood, a blessing I don't deserve and I'm forever grateful.

I want him to know Jesus most. I want to see the Lord save Him. Transform his life. I want to see C devote all of His days to following the Lord and seeing others come to know him. I want him to love the Word more than sin. To seek humility and patience and wisdom instead of pride and lust and the foolish ways of the world. I want him to love people. To have a servants heart and always show grace.

C, one day when you're too big and I'm wishing we could rewind back to now, I want you to know that I love you. And that although one day I may not be around, Jesus always is. Seek Him.

nothing new here

not much going over here lately. The weather has been the absolute worst. Just a bunch of rain and cold. In fact, I'm pretty sure our back yard will be completely flooded by the end of the day. Exciting stuff for sure. All of that basically means the week days around here have been awfully slow and have mostly consisted of reading books over and over again in our teepee and not leaving the house at all. Read: Stir Crazy.

Thank goodness for the weekends, right? Friday night was DATE NIGHT! It was absolutely perfect. We dropped C off at my parents to spend the night. Shopping with gift cards went down at Target, we swung by a friend's birthday party, & then went to see a late night move. We didn't get into bed until 1 in the morning. You guys, that's suppppper late for us old folks. Saturday, was a picnic in the park and swinging way to high because for just a few hours we had perfect weather. That night we went to hear some of our best friend's (well, josh's) band play for a church's Dnow. I was just excited to be getting out of the house again. And Sunday was, of course, church and then a super bowl party with our community group and another. Oh the weekend, why can't you last longer.

Absolutely nothing has happened with our adoption. We are still waiting for a birth mother to choose us. Currently there are only two mothers looking at profiles at our Agencies local branch. So it's a small shot one of them will pick us, but we are praying for the Lord's will. I get asked on a weekly basis about our adoption and for an update and my reply for weeks months is "nope, we're just waiting on a match".  It cuts a little deeper each time. It's a daily struggle not to stare at my phone in hopes of it ringing with "the Call". Last week I hit several days of deep discouragement. You know, because I'm selfish. Friends getting pregnant, me pouting because I'm not getting pregnant, Friends almost having new babies, me pouting again, a lot, because I'm not getting my new baby. Just plain ole selfishness at its best.  Thankfully, the Lord graciously sent me many reminders through His Word and friends that He is always working, even when I can't see it. Although I know that all too well from events from last year, it's funny (more like extremely sad) how we can quickly forget. Learning to be content is no joke, at least for me.

my goodness I can't wait to hold my boy. Whether that's this month or 6 months from now, this will be worth it. The wait will totally be worth it. He's worth waiting for:) 

Oh, and I've been working on our family year book for part of 2012 and all of 2013 every single day. I'm currently starting March of 2013 and I already have 55 pages. This is going to be a ridiculously large book.

And to take us out, a few iphone pics from last week and the weekend. A day with two boys in my arms.... will be here before I know it. #iwillthinkpositively

a bump in the adoption road & mixed emotions

I really didn't plan on sharing any of this. In fact, I once thought we just move on, never mention it, and let all my emotions from it just fade into nothingness. Turns out though, I really suck at letting emotions fade into nothingness. I'm not sure I even know what that means, or if that can even be done. We got an email from our adoption agency last week. It was the standard monthly update, but this time it spoke of a risky custody situation with a little boy who could potentially be adopted. My heart jumped when I read it. He was 11 months old. Just a few months shy of C. My mind immediately went to thoughts of the two of them growing up being lifelong friends. Without saying a word, I forwarded the email to husband. He responded "i'm interested". With that, I texted our social worker and she called us with more info. It was a lot risker than we realized. Still, we felt we needed to learn just as much as we could about his situation so we scheduled a meeting that happened yesterday. I spent the entire weekend trying to ground my hopes & think about the reality of it all. I was on the fence emotionally, mentally, and spiritually about fostering to adopt this little boy. My heart screamed yes and my selfishness screamed no. Anxiety ran rampant in my heart. The Lord brought so much conviction to my selfish heart over the weekend. He reminded me we are not on this adoption journey for ourselves, we are on it for the child. It's not about our selfish desires. It's about living out the gospel. On Monday I spent the entire day dreaming up a life of 4. Having another baby by Christmas. All the things we would need to get quickly and how we would afford to get them. Waking up Tuesday, I didn't have the peace I thought I felt. And neither did Josh. Still, we went to the meeting. While sitting through the meeting and learning about all the risks, I fought to hold back tears. I knew this was the Lord shutting the door. My uncle is a prestigious adoption lawyer in our area &I can't discuss all the details but he called it a significantly risky situation. A part of me yearned to still take that risk, anyways. I didn't understand why I would be so resistant, then the Lord bring conviction and I be so repentant with an open mind and heart only for Him to shut the door. We left the meeting, got in the car, looked at each other and said "no". We had to put C first. I know you all would better understand why we had to say no, but I just can't share the details. We both didn't have any peace from the Lord & we could sense Him closing the door.  I was devastated. I expressed to Josh I was sick of losing children. First our miscarriage and now this baby (even though he was technically never ours, it still felt like I lost the chance of having him). I battled the entire day being broken hearted. We talked more, prayed more and woke up this morning still feeling like this wasn't the Lord's plan for us or our family. I'm thankful that little boy is currently in a loving, Godly home until custody issues are dealt with. Regardless of our decision, he will still have a family, whether that's his biological family or another adoptive family. Praise the Lord! I keep having to remind myself that maybe the reason the Lord told us no is so that He could say yes to another family. I'm just really ready for our next son to enter our lives & it sucks to be told no. just being honest. But I know by following the Lord, it's impossible to miss out! He has a little boy somewhere that is the perfect fit for our family, and I choose to trust in His sovereignty. I really don't understand how people can live without knowing the Lord personally and Jesus being the Lord of your life & Savior. I'm beyond thankful He saved me and that He sanctifies me daily. So even though this has all been just hard, the Lord has used it in my life to reveal His goodness, so I'm thankful. All Glory to Him!

And to lift the spirits just a little before ending, can we all just stop and look at how cute C is? He's going to make the best big brother. And I don't mean to be all braggy (or maybe I do, I don't care) but he's just the cutest. This whole toddler stage is just down right awesome. Talking, pointing, running, climbing, the whole nine yards. It all makes my heart burst. This is life lately around our place via my iphone.

This adoption journey has already taught me so much about the Lord and my sinfulness. It's been the best journey, bumps and all, and it's not even near over.& I'm extremely humbled and thankful for all of you who have commented or emailed or texted and said you are praying for us & our adoption. We are thankful. More than you know.

Real Life Diaries : My Miscarriage

Psalm 112:7  

He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.

I've avoided writing this post like the plague, but I think I'm ready to blabber out all my thoughts, get them written, get this post over with, and try to figure out how to press forward.

I miscarried.

This past 2 weeks has been the most insane. Let me just give you a brief recap. My sister miscarries, my brother gets engaged, I find out I'm pregnant but that somethings wrong, the Lord works a miracle in my family's life, spiritual warfare hits me like never before, I spend an entire week in and out of the ER & doctor's office praying and hoping that somehow my pregnancy makes it.

I feel like I've been living in this waiting room. Living in the uncertainty is hands down one of the most depressing places to linger in. A trip to the ER after taking a positive at home pregnancy test, but having two weeks worth of bleeding happened last Sunday. It was a useless trip. They couldn't tell me a definite answer. I then spent all of last week in and out of the doctor's office 9 times having my blood taken & multiple ultrasounds. My doctor worried that since my levels were slowly rising, but because they were weeks behind what they should be, that I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. I begged the Lord for that to not be so.

On Friday, I was told that my levels went down. Thus meaning a miscarriage but not ectopic. I don't even know if I can accurately describe my emotions from it all. I'm obviously upset and devastated of our loss. Having C shows me what I'm missing and that's heart breaking. Losing a baby, no matter how far along, is always, always difficult. I'm relieved that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. I'm scared it will happen again. I'm mostly numb, confused how to feel. I never was allowed to celebrate this pregnancy, it was ended before I even knew it began. To me, that's just evidence of the Lord's grace. I can't imagine how much harder it would be for me if I had known and gotten excited. The Lord rescued me from that. I'm at peace. I know the Lord is always good. He was incredibly gracious in His timing. Because my family was experiencing great joy from another situation, my focus was more on that joy than my own grief.  I'm joyful. Jesus is my true joy, not my present circumstances.
John Piper says it best, “the human quest for joy leads straight to the missionary heart of God. You can see it already. But let me put it together: God is the fountain of joy because he is blindingly glorious, and infinitely worthy, and breathtakingly beautiful, and awesome in power, and inscrutable in wisdom, and limitless in knowledge, and tender in mercy, and terrible in wrath, and the source and foundation of all truth and goodness and beauty. When we see him for what he really is, and turn from all the broken cisterns of the world that cannot satisfy (Jeremiah 2:13), we find "joy unspeakable and full of glory" (1 Peter 1:8).

I'm also thankful. Thankful that we are adopting, that even though we lost one child, I have another child on the way. I'm overwhelmed by God's grace and comfort. Knowing that I will one day see this child in perfection overwhelms me with gratitude.

I know that every woman struggles and deals with her miscarriage differently & that is perfectly okay. And while I'm devastated my sister experienced a miscarriage, I'm thankful we can heal together. Her healing process will be completely different from mine, and although our situations are entirely different, she still understands what I'm going through. And even when I feel alone in my situation, when I feel like no one really, truly understands what I'm feeling, I know that God knows.
 2 Corinthians 1:3-5, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”

And I just have to add that I have the most incredible husband. He allowed me to grieve in a way that made sense to me. He's held my hand, cuddled me, reassured me, and loved me through this all. He's served his guts out & taken care of our son. He exudes Christ's love to me & I'm so thankful.

oh, and reading this post helped a lot. I had no idea when I asked her to write that post, that I would be reading it one day for myself. Girlfriend nailed exactly what I wanted to say here today. GO read that post, especially if you are suffering from or have ever suffered with a miscarriage. I couldn't have said it better myself!! So thankful for this girl & all my other friends and family who loved on us, cooked us dinner, cleaned our home, sent us encouraging texts, and most importantly prayed for us. There is simply nothing quite like the body of Christ.

All of this for the Glory of the Lord. He is so good. 

THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!!!!

 Just stopping by quickly today. I have 6 sessions this weekend with a few other meetings & what not mixed in. This week has been quite the blur. My closest loved ones are hurting & some other stuff. Honestly, I'm ready for this week to be d o n e, but I'm thankful for how good the Lord has been through it all. But I'm stopping by today to share this. Because this was just what I needed to hear today. And I'm hoping you'll read it, and it will be what you needed to read too.

Yada, Yada, Yada.

Read THIS.

I'd be lying if I said...

I'd be lying if I said family night this weekend was a blast. The food truck grub was outstanding, the hike through the park was perfection, and we played on the play ground until time for bed.

Because truth of the matter is... it all flat out sucked. Food truck food was so disgusting I almost vomited. Shocker husbands stuffed hot dog was revolting also. Didn't see that one coming. The hike through the park almost crippled me due to an injured hip, and we arrived at the park just in time for one slide down the massive slide before they closed. lame.

The night ended with the three of us miserable and cranky. Mcdonald's drive through and some TiVo came to the rescue. Moral of the story, not all nights are going to go as planned, but just try to make the best of it anyways, and be thankful you even get family nights at all. I was so convicted the next morning of my attitude that night. Nothing went as planned, we hardly even had any fun, and poor C didn't even get a proper dinner. Wife and mom fail of the week. But, praise Jesus mercies are new each day, and the world doesn't end when things don't go our way. And praise Jesus we are all well enough and alive and T O G E T H E R that we can even have family nights, even if they will suck occasionally. On the bad, dumb, no good nights and when things just aren't going my way, I must choose Jesus and repent of my selfishness. And I didn't that night and it sucked. Lesson learned.

Oh, and never ever ever trust fish tacos from a hot, sweaty truck.

The end.

Let's Get Real Here Y'all : Suffering and Miscarriages

This girl and I only knew each other through mutual friends, but the Lord has allowed us to cultivate a sweet, sweet friendship. We've shared in some very real struggles together and carried each others burdens. That is a testimony to how amazing it is to be a part of the body of Christ. She's hands down one of the Godliest, strongest people I know. I admire her faith greatly. She's getting really real today about suffering and miscarriages. Whether you've experienced this incredible loss or not, her testimony is something we all need to read and hear. So powerful and convicting for me. Thank you so much Sarah for being so open and vulnerable. You are a precious friend.

 
     When Katie asked me if I would be willing to be a part of this Real series and share about my miscarriages, I was so honored. I went back and read the other topics that were shared and started to get a little intimidated! These ladies drip with Jesus and it was conveyed through their writing. My prayer is that you see Jesus shining brightly in the darkest places that life can take us and the JOY He gives in the midst of these painful seasons of life. Total side note but it is so amazing how our Lord can knit friendships together. Katie and I have never actually spent any time together, we’ve never hung out or had coffee together (which we really need to do when I come in town next time!) but we have prayed for each other, rejoiced together and wept for each other. I’m so thankful for the family I have in Christ and for this sweet sister. 

    So, a little about myself before we get started, I’m Sarah and my amazing husband, Adam, and I married in May of 2010. We were both born and raised in the Memphis area. In 2011, we felt the Lord leading us to be a part of a new church plant in Johnson City, TN, which just so happens to be a beautiful place to live! It’s been an incredible journey and a huge teachable time in my life.
 
    January of last year, Adam and I felt that we were ready to start our family. I remember that day and that conversation like it was yesterday, we prayed and asked God to bless us. Little did I know the path God was about to take us down. We got pregnant that next month, it was very shocking and exciting for us, we had no idea it would happen that fast. The excitement came and went very quickly and we learned a few days after finding out we were pregnant that we lost our baby. I remember those days and weeks that followed feeling very confused and a whole other mess of emotions. After about a month, we decided to try again, I thought that since other women had experienced this and had gotten pregnant after a miscarriage that this wouldn’t happen again, surely Jesus wouldn’t allow this to happen again?

   Towards the end of May of that same year we found out we were expecting again. My first doctor visit wasn’t until July 18th, the weeks seemed to drag on and this time with every week that went by with no signs of miscarrying, I was getting more and more excited. I will never forget July 18th. The nurse called us back to the ultrasound room and our hearts broke, our little baby on the screen had gone to be with Jesus 4 weeks before we had this ultrasound. I remember the silence in the room was deafening, not hearing a heartbeat but just looking at our lifeless baby. In that moment, the verse, “Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever” kept running through my head. During the next two weeks I had to go back to the doctor and then have a procedure called a D&C. It was all so physically, emotionally, and mentally painful, I was furious at God. So incredibly angry that He would let me believe I was pregnant with a growing baby for 10 weeks only to find out I carried our lifeless child unknowingly for weeks. Angry that I had to have surgery to remove my baby because even my body didn’t want accept all of this. Angry that I had friends that were pregnant with babies and here I was having lost 2 children in a matter of 5 months. That anger ate me alive for months. I put on a good Christian front around people but I was so numb, miserable and jealous inside. Jesus knew all those things and He still pursued me, loved me and carried me during that time. He started softening my heart enough to hear Him. Anger lifted and sadness and total desperation for understanding filled that space. My heart goes out to women who have experienced this kind of pain and I want you to know that Jesus has a lot to say to us in our pain and He has a purpose for it and in it. Some of the things that Jesus taught me during that time:

    •    Jesus entrusts us with suffering uses it to make us more like Him. As believers the ultimate goal and aim of our lives is to be conformed to the image of Christ, Jesus suffered, if He suffered why would we be surprised when trials and pain come our way? Philippians 3:10, Paul says he wants “…to know Jesus and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings …” We as Christians often think that when we put our faith and trust in Christ and He saves us that our lives are supposed to be happy all the time and without any bumps in the road. Jesus is just supposed to give us all we desire and make our lives on this earth easy. But how is a lost and dying world going to see the hope of Christ in our lives without them seeing Christ work in our lives through suffering? I’m not saying that when trials come that we are supposed to act like it is all okay, that’s not real, but when we suffer we should remember that Jesus is making us more like Him and that is something to rejoice about.

    •    Jesus is Lord over all and He does whatever He pleases.  Psalm 115:3 says, “Our God is in the heavens, He does whatever He pleases.”  Isaiah 55:8-9, “My thought are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways, declares the LORD, For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” The sovereignty of God is a beautiful place to rest, knowing that God only allows that which will be for our ultimate good and His ultimate glory can bring a great deal of peace and security into our lives when everything hits the fan. My two children served their purpose and God called them home. There are a thousand “why” questions that I can ask and I have asked, but ultimately knowing that it was for my good and the glory of God that these two babies never made it into my arms is enough, it has to be enough. Do we trust our Savior? We say we do, we sing about it but can we trust that when our worst nightmares come true, He is working it all out for good? When Job starts questioning God, He comes back at Job and says, “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Who set its measurements? Since you know.” Asking God the why questions is okay to do but there has to come a point where you are okay with not having all or any of the answers and you rest in God’s sovereignty because we only see the dot, but He sees the big picture.

    •    Jesus allows suffering into our lives so that we might be a comforter to others. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” I can’t tell you how much it has meant to me to have sisters in Christ that have walked this same road come alongside and encourage me to continue to trust Jesus and walk with Him. This is probably one of the most amazing scriptures to me. Jesus, the God of ALL comfort, comforts us, loves us, doesn’t leave us, heals us and then sends us out to comfort others in their pain and point them to Him. It’s amazing.

    •    Jesus is our joy. Period.  Would those 2 babies have given me ultimate joy? No. Would I have been completely satisfied for the rest of my life if I hadn’t lost those children? No. You see, nothing but Jesus was ever meant to bring us ultimate joy and satisfaction. Everything else will leave us void and empty eventually, even good things and godly desires. You and I can turn anything into an idol factory can’t we? Jesus was and is showing me continually that in Him, I have it all. Everything else He gives is complete grace and a blessing that He can take away whenever He chooses. John Piper says it best, “the human quest for joy leads straight to the missionary heart of God. You can see it already. But let me put it together: God is the fountain of joy because he is blindingly glorious, and infinitely worthy, and breathtakingly beautiful, and awesome in power, and inscrutable in wisdom, and limitless in knowledge, and tender in mercy, and terrible in wrath, and the source and foundation of all truth and goodness and beauty. When we see him for what he really is, and turn from all the broken cisterns of the world that cannot satisfy (Jeremiah 2:13), we find "joy unspeakable and full of glory" (1 Peter 1:8).

    There is so much more I could share about what Jesus taught me during that season of life and is still teaching me.  As I sit here writing this, I have a little boy squirming around in my belly due anytime in the next few weeks. In January of this year, we found out we were expecting again. There were a lot of tears, mostly fearful, anxious tears but it’s been an incredible nine month journey of faith, dependence upon Christ and continually giving this child to Jesus. I would be lying if I told you that I don’t struggle still with the fears that those miscarriages left behind but Jesus has been faithful to walk with me through them and teach me by His word how to trust Him daily.

  As followers of Jesus let us not forget that “this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:17-18. One day we will see Jesus face to face and know that all the pain, suffering and trials were nothing but hiccups compared to that moment we fall down in worship to the One who saved us and never left us in our pain.

the lies we all believe. Let's Get Real Here Y'all.

Car rides. They are my personal sanctuary. They are my long discussions. They are my times of prayer. They are my times of repentance. They are my times of fear. They are my times of letting go. They are my times of raw emotion. They are my times of worship.  I can remember very vivid times in my car where the Lord has dealt with me. With sin in my life. With struggles I'm going through. They are times I can remember where Josh and I have had some of our most deep conversations. I've come to highly appreciate the time alone I have in my car. Usually C is mumbling to himself in the back or snoozing the ride away. I've tried to make it a habit lately to use my car time as a prayer time, and really pray for my family, my church, my community group girls, and friends, etc. It's almost habit now, the second I get in the car and pulled out of my drive way, I'm praying. Index cards and notes on my phone keep me focused on what I need to pray about.

I've gotten off track here. Kinda. Yesterday, I headed to my childhood church for their Wednesday night service. Husband was in a meeting for our church and it just so happened that my childhood pastor had returned to preach at my old church. I haven't heard him preach in years, plus my mom is the church chief, so I'd be crazy to turn down a free meal by her. The sermon was one that I needed to hear. The Lord knew exactly what I needed to hear. I left feeling so encouraged and hopeful. Then the car ride home happened.

I spent the time home praying for a few people in my life who are struggling with some very real issues, and that's when the lies slowly started to seep in. I have this theory that satan uses the same lies to all of us to keep us from finding hope in Jesus. Lies that bring us down. That makes us doubt. That cause us to stumble. That once we believe and accept as truth only allow us to continue in our sin.

Apply these statements to your life or your current situation. I promise you that atleast one of them has gone through mind at some point before, during, or after a struggle or hard time.

1. I am alone. No one else understands what I'm going through.  My situation is different.
2. I can't be forgiven for what I've done.
3. Nothing will be the same for me as it was.
4. Since the first three are true, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.
5. If your single- No Godly man or woman is going to want me now.
6. If I leave or do what I want versus what the Lord wants things will get better and EASIER.
7. I will always struggle with this and never have freedom or victory over it.
8. I can fix this on my own. If I do or have x,y, or z, I will be happy.
9. There is no hope for me or whoever you are thinking of. This is permanent.

I caught myself believing one of those lies when I got to a red light. and I found myself thinking... you know Satan is right. In every single one of those lies I mentioned above, the focus is on "I". All of them include a personal pronoun. And that's the problem. We, ourselves, you, and I can not and will not ever be able to have peace or freedom from our struggles or sin on our own. So yes. In that sense, satan is right. But he's forgotten one little thing.


Jesus.



1. Jesus knows what you're going through.
2. Jesus became the sin you are dealing with on the cross. He has forgiven you.
3. You're right. Nothing will be the same now. It will be sweeter. The redemption and freedom in Christ is so sweet. He uses our difficult times to make us more like him, and to receive glory. He will take your times of struggle and allow you to use it to minister to others
4. You can keep doing what you're doing and continue to be miserable, or you can follow Jesus and experience freedom.
5. If they are truly a Godly person, there will be forgiveness and they will look past it. No one is perfect.
6. Yep, things my get easier to begin with. But give it a couple of months. Things will just get hard again. The road with Jesus is always narrow and He never promises it will be easier, but He does promise to walk with you. To guide you. To carry your burden.
7. You may be tempted in the future. But Jesus can give you the strength to resist temptation.
8. Good luck with that. My bet is you've already tried to fix things on your own and you haven't found the peace you are looking for. The peace you are searching for... can only be found in Jesus.
9. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. He gave life to dry bones. Nothing is permanent, and there is always hope in Jesus.

I found myself thinking in a true moment of weakness "i've prayed this so much and there's been no answer. Is He listening? Is He working?" It was in that moment I thought of that Shane and Shane video up above. There I was at a red light sobbing with C snoozing the night away in the back, asking Jesus to forgive my fleeting faith. Asking him to always help me realize when the lies of the enemy are what I'm chewing on. And begging him to move and remind the ones I love so dearly of the same truths He was reminding me of. Prayer can often become so callus when we've prayed the same thing over and over again, and Satan ever so smoothly slips those lies into our minds. Resist them. He's forgotten the refrain: Jesus Saves! pardon me while I scream... JESSSSUUUSSSS SAAAVVVVESSSS! whooowheeeeeeee HALLELUJAH HE REDEEMS. HE SETS FREE. HE IS ABLE! I may or may not have just stood up while typing and praised Jesus for his overwhelmingly good peace and joy.

He saves.

whoa my little faith. This song just wrecked me. totally wrecked me in every good way possible. Such a good reminder and encouragement.


This is for you dear friend. I love you and I beg that you stop marinating on the lies the enemy feeds and start searching for the truth that is found in Jesus. The peace and freedom that flow so sweetly from Him are absolutely attainable when we turn to Him and let Him be the Lord of our lives. If you're reading this and struggling and need someone to talk with, I'm here.



Weary, burdened wanderer
There is rest for thee
At the feet of Jesus
in His love, so free

Listen to His message
Words of life, forever blest
O, thou heavy laden
Come to Me, come and rest

There is freedom, taste and see
Hear the call, "Come to Me"
Run into His arms of grace
Your burden carried, He will take

Bring Him all thy burdens
All thy guilt, and sin
Mercy's door is open
Rise up and enter in

Jesus, there is waiting
patiently for thee
Hear Him gently calling,
"Come, Oh, Come to Me"

Don't believe those lies. Truth can be found in Jesus.

My night last night ended with an extra long cuddle session on the couch with that snoozing little boy praising Jesus for salvation and the truth that has set me free.