A Very Hefty Adoption Update

Well. This post has been a long time coming. I've been putting it off like the plague, but I think it's finally time to give an Adoption update.

You guessed it. There really isn't one. We are STILL waiting to be matched with a birthmother. We are at a ripe 8 months of waiting for that phone call and the days keep coming. Going on 3 years of being in this process.

There have been several parts of this waiting season that I haven't shared publicly because they've just been too hard or the timing didn't feel right, but mainly because the Lord had so much sanctifying work to do in my heart first. And if there is anything all this waiting has spurred me on to do... it is to desire my Jesus and his sanctifying work in my life above all else. It's taken me weeks to write this post. Mainly because I don't feel "arrived" at all on any of the points I'll talk about. Most of them were things I already knew but the Lord deepened my understanding of them during these 8 months. And I'm not a writer. My husband has a way with words and expressing himself through them that I'll never posses. I just word vomit and ramble until the cows come home. It's one of the reasons I've put off writing all of this because I just worried I wouldn't do it justice. I wouldn't explain beautifully enough how the Lord has worked.  But He can and will still receive praise through my elementary vocabulary and terribly put together sentences (yes, I was an English teacher and I dooooo actually know how to write complete and complex sentences, but this is my free place. I don't worry about that here. obviously. I promise I am educated though and my students were wildly successful in their testing. Grace. He gives grace haha).

About a week or two ago, we experienced our fourth failed possible match. Four times we've come THIISSSSS close to being matched but for one reason or the other, the Lord graciously shut the door. Yes, I said graciously. These four experiences were in so many ways BRUTAL to walk through. But with each one, the Lord drew me closer to Him, gave me more of Himself, showed me His loving Grace, sanctified my heart, revealed hidden sin in my heart, and reminded me of His sovereignty. To say it's been a humbling walk is an understatement. Serious understatement.

In random order, here are some things the Lord has taught me or deepened my understanding of through all the waiting and all the nos: (again, I feel inadequate to speak on some of these things because he is STILL teaching them to me. Some days I have victory over them and some days I really struggle with this waiting. But over and over again the Lord has proven faithful to give me just enough grace to get through each day)

1. The "No's" were a blessing. With the first two situations, I didn't really see it that way. I was hurt, I was mad, frustrated, and just ready to know this birth mama, love on her, and meet her child. I was ready to have this baby in our home. The Lord called us to this and giving us two No's seemed so cruel. They happened within about a week of each other this past Novemeber and one of the situations was us having to actually tell a birthmother No. I won't get into the specifics because honestly, I don't need to justify our reasons for us telling a birthmother no. The Lord showed us CLEARLY that it was His plan for us and He had another Godly family in mind for this momma. Goodness I NEVER EVER EVER EVER thought when we started this process that I would tell a BM no. It was so incredibly painful and confusing. Why had the Lord allowed it? And right after a failed possibility days before. It was so hard. SO HARD. My Husband- the insanely Godly man that he is- spoke so much grace and truth into my life during those days. About a week or so after, the Lord began to show me all the ways these two "No's" were a blessing and His will. He confirmed things in my heart that I needed confirming. He revealed sin that I needed to repent of. And He lovingly showed me that He heard my cries and my prayers and that He was with me.

"He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together" Col 1:17

He gave me this verse during that hell of a week. And I clung to its sweet truth. These No's were a blessing because they gave me more of Jesus. He is before every No. They were not a shock to Him. He allowed them for His glory and my good. He would hold me together. He would hold this adoption together because He holds ALL things together. I could let go and trust in His plan. With the next two No's I saw them as blessings before they were confirmed No's. With the initial phone calls, I told the Lord, no matter the outcome, He is good. He is faithful. and I want whatever will give me more of Him. I asked Him to reveal more of Himself to me and to let my eyes be wide open to see what it is He wanted to teach me. They ended up, of course, being no. And it was still very hard having another possibility fall through, but with these two no's it was also very sweet. Because I could sense His presence so so strongly. I could see how He was working and because I laid down my own desires, I could see what the Lord wanted to teach me through them so much more clearly. I am thankful for these No's and all the No's to come in the future (although I pray 5 is the magic number and a big FAT YES) because I know that they will lead me closer to my Savior. That my relationship with Him will be that much stronger and more ugly, sinful pieces of me will fall off through his sanctifying work.

For All the Promises of God find their Yes in Him. 2 Cor 1:20

My Yes, forever and always, is Jesus. "Beneath the unpredictability of our hoping and waiting, there is the certainty that come what may, all our hopes are ultimately fulfilled in Christ" I don't have the words eloquently enough to describe the weight and depth of that verse and quote. I just encourage you to meditate on them. Memorize them. and the let the Lord bring you FREEDOM through them.

2. Waiting is a calling and grace from the Lord. I can look back over the last 8 months of waiting and see how the Lord has changed me as a person, drawn me closer to Him, and done sanctifying work in my life.

"In calling us to wait, God is freeing us from the claustrophobic confines of our own little kingdoms of one and drawing us into a greater allegiance to his kingdom of glory and grace. Waiting is more than being patient as situations and other people change. Waiting is about understanding that you and I desperately need to change, and that waiting is a powerful tool of personal change. God is using the grace of waiting to change us at the causal core of our personhood: the heart"

I could go on and on about this topic, but instead I found these two articles that articulate everything the Lord has personally shown me. I wish I would have found them at month 1, but I can see now that the Lord needed me to learn the hard way for His glory. As I was preparing to write this I struggled with how to say everything I wanted to say. So I thought "hmmm, I bet there is an article out there somewhere that will do a better job, because I KNOW I'm not the only one that has dealt with this." And of course, there was.  This article and this article hit the nail on the head.

3. Community is VITAL. Good Grief, I really could talk about this allllllll day. I would say I had great community with believers before we started this journey again. I feel so incredibly thankful the Lord placed us at our church and called us to plant it. He has blown me away with His grace and the community that has been built through Redeemer Baptist. But the enemy is cunning. And when you enter into a new waiting season, he likes to feed lies that you are alone. (and let me preface all this with saying that my husband is first and foremost my biggest source of encouragement. And I'm incredibly thankful for that. He is such a blessing from the Lord and so patient to hear me out and quick to point me to Christ. I knew though that it was biblical and needed for me to have close friends that I could do the same with. Sure, I had a couple friends who were also adopting, but both were international so then enemy would feed me lies that they didn't really understand what I was walking through. And OF COURSE my friends who had never adopted couldn't be an encouragement to me. They would never understand what I was facing and struggling with. Ugh, it sickens me how deceiving Satan can be. I prayed that the Lord would send me friends that would understand what I was walking through and he QUICKLY showed me that he already had. My friends, no matter if they were adopting or not, could be some of the encouragement I needed, BUT only if I let them (and a good handful of them were already committed to praying for me and serving me. I just didn't see it as the encouragement that it was because I was so bent with finding someone who would exactly understand what I was going through. When in reality, that will only ever be Jesus). I had to open up. I had to throw away the excuse that they wouldn't understand and I had to be vulnerable with them. I learned the best way to do this, was to simply care for them and pray over their burdens. I started diligently praying over their burdens more than I prayed for my own. I became emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally invested in their lives, burdens, and prayers to the point that my burdens became back burners to theirs. This wasn't something I did or came up with on my own. This was deep conviction from the Lord (through His word and through how some of my friends were already living it out) that I was too self absorbed in my own issues and world. My own "bubble". If I wanted encouragement and prayers from friends, I needed to first be that for them. I needed to serve them in prayer and in any practical ways that would bless them. I can't say enough what a blessing it has been to walk hard roads with some of my dearest friends. It's been excruciating at times seeing them so burdened and desperate for the Lord to move, but when I saw those prayers answered and promises fulfilled, it was massively encouraging to me that the Lord would, in His timing, do the same for me. I learned a lot about what true friendship and community in Christ looked like through these friends. So many of them do a way better job and loving me than I do for them. Community is hard. You HAVE to work for it. You must befriend people who are different than you or in different seasons of life than you are in. You can't just sit back and wait for it to come to you (although I'm extremely thankful for the friends who first pursued me and showed me what community looked like). You must daily text people, check in on them weekly, ask them for coffee, bring them dinner, drop off surprise treats, pray for them (and really commit to praying for them, not just saying that you will) and then tell them you're praying, and truly put them first. Find ways they like to be served and serve them in those ways (and obviously your husband should be a priority in this). With each possible match we agreed we'd only ask "our people" to pray over it. I wanted to keep it as private as possible until we had been matched. But as I started thinking of all the people who were walking this road with us and texting us daily and praying over us and checking in on us and truly carrying this burden, I realized we were well over 40 people. People TRULY committed to this journey with us. There are so many more that I know have been praying, but these are the few that have been in the trenches with us, checked in on us often, and allowed me to be sinful in front of them and vent over my struggles and then graciously pointed me to Christ. These last 8 months of community have been some of the sweetest of my entire life. So much grace has been poured out over me through these family and friends and I'm forever grateful for how they listen and serve my family and consistently point me to Christ. I still have so much growing to do in this area. I know there are more people for me to love and serve. There are people I need to love and serve better. This is an area of my life that I know the Lord will work on in my life for my whole life. We can always do a better job at loving others. Friend, if you aren't involved in a local church. Please find one that preaches the Word, lives out the gospel, loves people, and cultivates community. If you are unsure of where to go in your area, this LINK is a great resource. And if you are a part of one, dive in harder. Love more. Serve more. Ask the Lord to show you ways you can better be His hands and feet to the brothers and sisters you gather with. Phew, I told you I could talk all day about this.

4. PRAY BOLDLY. This goes a little hand in hand with what I just talked about but I felt it needed it's own little section. While cultivating this deep community, the Lord taught me the importance of praying boldly over these people, their burdens and prayer requests, and my own.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Heb 10:23

The Lord is ever faithful. He can't not be faithful. He proved it a thousand times over in the Old Testament and then again, with finality, with Christ's death. It is His character. He WAS and IS and WILL BE forever faithful. So what is there to fear? There is no room for fear. His faithfulness is too great. Right before Christmas, the Lord convicted me over my prayer life. I prayed daily and often but I lacked a deep, bold prayer life. I didn't pray expectantly of the Lord to move. I knew that He could but I often doubted that He would. I didn't pray with urgency. Over time, He radically transformed my prayer life and showed me the importance of praying boldly, with expectancy, with urgency, with passion, and humbly. Praying boldly can mean several different things, but one of the main things for me was letting go of that fear behind my prayers. The fear that the Lord wouldn't answer or that he wouldn't complete what he called us to. It takes daily repentance on my part and memorization of scripture to fight off those sinful fears. I'll never ever forget the month of February 2016, though. It was a month that I fiercely prayed over for 6 dear friends. They were each walking hard roads with big prayer requests that seemed to be impossible. I prayed without fear over them and I prayed expectantly that the Lord would answer them by the end of the month. One by one, He answered in miraculous ways, NOT because of anything I said or did, but out of His grace and to give himself glory. I know they were huge blessings to my friends, but honestly they blessed me so much as well because of what the Lord was teaching me about prayer. Just getting to be apart of His will for their lives brought me great joy. The last one wasn't answered until March, though. And through that the Lord reminded me that His timing is perfect. And I can pray big, expectant prayers and when the answer is No, I still get Jesus and He is still good and the giver of good gifts. Because my prayers are most importantly about drawing me closer to Christ and Him alone receiving the glory. Once again, I feel like I'm not doing this topic justice. This articleand This article help further express what I'm trying to say.

5. Scripture and the Word are oxygen to our soul. Memorizing scripture is crucial in our walks with the Lord. It's how we learn more about Him, how we keep ourselves grounded, how we fight off the enemy, how we encourage others, and how we bring Glory to God. I love repeating scripture back to the Lord and to myself. Scripture is the BEST tool. I write them on my hands, in my prayer journal, on sticky notes, on index cards, on my fridge, as my iphone screen saver, and I repeat them to friends.

I've already listed some of the verses that the Lord has given me during this wait. Here are a few more:

Romans 12:12  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. - This is how I want to spend this waiting season.

Romans 5:3-5

³ We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. ⁴ And patience produces character, and character produces hope. ⁵ And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts. He gave us his love through the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to us.

2 Cor 12:9

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - On the hard days when I feel I'm failing, I can boast in my weakness, because Christ is strong in me. His power and strength can carry me and pull me closer to Him. My weakness reminds me that by His grace alone can I make it through each day. And it's okay to have hard days because they lead me to repentance. They lead me to Christ.

Prov 31:25

She is clothed in strength and dignity, and She laughs without fear of the future. -This is who I want to be. The type of woman I want to be. I want to be strong in Christ. I want to laugh at any fears that may fill my head. Christ is sovereign and in control, what do I have to be fearful of?

Psalm 118:24

this is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.- This day of waiting, every day of waiting is on purpose. It is ordained by God. So while I may not want it to be another day of waiting, I can be joyful in it. He's made this day for His glory. Him alone be praised!!

Isaiah 43:19

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.- I don't want to be so consumed in my own waiting season that I miss out on what the Lord is doing in other's lives or in other areas of my own life. I want my eyes to be wide open to all He has to show me and teach me. 

Goodness, this was a doosy of a post. I've really wanted to document it all for quite some time now, but the Lord just keeps peeling back these layers of my sinful flesh and teaching me new things about him. I feel like I didn't do some of these justice, but I think that's okay. Because I know what He's taught me and how He's used this waiting season to drastically change me.  My hopes in sharing this is to encourage anyone out there struggling in their own waiting season. CLING TO JESUS. RUN TO HIM. READ HIS WORD. SEEK GOSPEL COMMUNITY. MEMORIZE SCRIPTURE. MAKE MUCH OF JESUS. And moment by moment surrender your ways to Him. We will never "arrive" in these areas. There is always more to learn and more to repent of. In this waiting season, ask the Lord to open your eyes to what he has to show/teach you. Praise Him for each day of waiting. Choose Joy. If Christ is in you, you have the joy, strength, and hope to make it through each day. Make each day about Him, giving Him glory, and serving others. Pop your "bubble" and love others well. He has called you to this waiting for a purpose. He will be faithful to carry you through. 

Thank you to my husband and friends who have been such Godly examples to me. Who have been so incredibly patient and understanding and loved me so well. Who have pointed me to Christ when my sin showed it's ugly face. Who have let me vent and voice my struggles. Who haven't judged me, but listened and loved me well. Who have prayed endlessly over our adoption and even set alarms to remind them to pray multiple times a day. Who have texted me scripture and written out prayers. You have all been the hands and feet of Christ to me and the Lord has used you all to reveal more of Himself to me. I'm forever grateful. 

Ways you can be praying for us: 

-Continued contentment in this waiting season

-our future birthmom. Please pray more for her than me. The struggles I have COMPARE NOTHING to what she is walking through. Pray protection over her and the baby. Pray for a smooth pregnancy and delivery. Confidence and Peace in her decision of adoption. Pray the Lord blesses her for her strength and bravery. Pray that Josh and I are able to love her well, point her to Christ, minister to her, champion her, encourage and support her in all the ways that will be most helpful to her. Pray for her salvation if she doesn't already know the Lord. Pray she would be willing to have an open adoption. 

-the birthfather. Basically all the same things I listed above. We pray that he will want to be apart of the child's life as well and for his salvation. 

-that our adoption would happen before August. Come August we will face a pretty big crossroads. Our homestudy will expire and we will lose our $4,000 grant. We will be able to reapply for this grant but we may not receive that same amount. We are desperately praying for a placement by then so we do not lose this money and have to go back through all the steps for our homestudy a third time. 

-Pray for the Cole family and the Fortenberry family. These are two other families that are friends of ours and are currently adopting as well. Pray placements for them before the end of the summer too!

-Pray for Aldridge family who fly out next week to bring their daughter home from the Congo. 

-Pray for the May family who are pursuing adoption through Foster Care.

And I leave you with a song that I have been singing daily.

"Today's surrender is tomorrow's freedom"

A rambling we shall go

Live from my hole in the wall office, it's thursday night! My lips are currently on fire from shoveling Chili-Lime cashews into mouth like I didn't just eat a massive dinner. Seriously though, go buy those bad boys from Aldi's right now and thank me later. They give my tummy all the heart eyes. Also, slow clap for Aldi's. That place has singlehandedly changed my grocery budget and diet. Because of that playce this girl is now eating clean (about 90% of my week).

It's beennn a lonnnnnnnng, loonggg time coming since I've randomly blogged an absurd amount of words. Read: ramble with no purpose but to ramble. My blogging nowadays consists of waiting until the end of the month to dump all my iphone photos onto my computer then back dating my blog posts so they will show up in the right time for my archives. I think back to when I just had C and I had all the time in the world to blog consistently. And I thought I was so busy then, how cute. My free time (the 3 hours the kiddos nap) goes by so quickly. I usually spend that time cleaning, editing photos, doing my quiet time, redoing a piece of furniture (don't even get me started on this topic. I. hate. redoing. furniture.) or weaving. Weeks will got by and I'll randomly remember this blog. I swore I would never get to this point. That I would always be diligent with blogging and documenting our days. hahahahaha. I really hope to get back to that, but this just isn't that season I suppose. It honestly comes down to having too much on my plate that doesn't need to be on my plate. I'm a creative person by nature. I love creating things, doing projects, crafting etc. If I like something I see made, I'll just figure out how to do it and make it before buying it (unless it involves sewing, because no). Mainly because our budget doesn't allow me to buy the endless things I love (and I'm glad it doesn't) but mostly because I just like making stuff. So, all of that making stuff has taken over my time blogging stuff. What I need to do is make up a calendar or schedule. So like on Monday spend an hour of my kiddos nap time editing, then Tuesdays make, Wednesday edit, thursday make, etc, etc, etc . My gosh, why on earth am I writing this. Sorry to whoever is reading this (side look at you husband). I know you totally care to be reading about my creative schedule or there lack of. I don't even know where I'm going with this.

moving on.

Adoption. Shirts came in TODAY for our second round of orders. We hope to get them in the mail on monday. I'm still in shock we raised 4k selling our grizzly shirts. Feels soooo good to be able to give that over to our agency and be only 3k away from our full amount. Jesus is powerful. I've been singing "there is power, power wonder working power in the blood of the Lamb. There is power, power, wonder working power in the precious blood of the lamb" over and over the last few days. I'm so easy to forget some times the power of the God. He loves to move big. To do big. To show us His power. I've been singing that old hymn over a friend's adoption journey asking the Lord to reveal His power to them. To move "mountains" of paper work quickly so they can get their daughter home. Selling as many shirts as we did was such a testament to His power in all things- big or small. We serve such a mighty God who intimately cares for us and wants to bless us with good things. It's mind-blowing, His love.
So, June is here. our original goal was to have all paper work and our profile book done by the end of the month so we could have our homestudy update and be active on the waiting list, but I'm not sure that's going to happen. A sweet friend asked me about our adoption today and I was so hesitant to answer. I'm beyond ready to have this little one home and in my arms. Yet, I have a strong peace from the Lord to take things slow and rest in His timing. IT KILLS me to think that my son (or daughter, but at this point we feel another boy is in our future. We could easily be wrong. And I'd love love love another girl, but for the sake of my typing sanity and not having to say he/she/him/her a million times, I'm just going to use the male pronoun for now) could be in interim care right now and I'm missing out on him. But I have to trust in the Lord's sovereignty. Maybe it's somehow best for him to be with that family. Maybe the Lord is using Him in their lives for His good. Bethany (our agency) only allows the best of the best to be interim parents. The process to become one is quite extensive. So, I know he is with a good, Godly, loving family. But it's still so hard. That could easily not be our situation and he is still in the womb. And if that's the case, it kills me that I don't know his birth momma yet and that she's still unsure of who to choose. Or maybe she's not even with Bethany yet and feeling quite alone. ugh. So much hardness. So hard to explain it all and it make sense. My sweet friend who texted me today asking about our process is also in the process of adoption via foster care. I was so thankful that she totally knew and understood what I was trying to say. All of this sounds so confusing, I'm sure. And I don't expect anyone to understand it unless they've gone through the adoption process as well. It's all the preggo hormones and feelings without the certainty of feeling the baby or knowing when he will arrive. I'm just so thankful I have such a peace from the Lord that right now, we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Taking it one day at a time and trusting in him. Praying if it's the Lord's will, that this baby will be home to us by the end of the year or atleast a birth mom pick us by then.

moving on.

I recently finished a study of the Fruits of the Spirit and I learned this.... I hold none of them.

Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Gentlenesss
Goodness
Faithfulness
Kindness
Self-Control.

I literally posses none of those things by nature. My nature is to be sinful, selfish, prideful. I think we often strive to have those fruits on our own, but they are always twisted back to self. The fruits of the Spirit are just that- Fruits of the SPIRIT. They are and come from the Holy Spirit living inside us. We bear that fruit when we are grafted to the True Vine- Jesus. The Holy Spirit is the producer of the fruit, we the branches simply display His goodness and fruit. All love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, kindness and self-control in my life are an overflowing out pour of the Holy spirit abiding in me. I've been memorizing Galatians 5:22-23. Some of those fruits come easier to me than others, but I truly long for Christ to be the shining light in all I do or say or how I come across. I know this is like Vacation Bible School material, but I read that verse in a whole new light the past few weeks. I love when I read a verse I've known or read a million times before, but the Lord uses it differently than before. His word is so sweet, refreshing, and true.

Less of me. More of Him.

End of this ramble. Phew, that felt good to just sit and type. Bed time, future self reading this because I'm pretty sure that's the only person reading this sad state of a blog, oh and husband, sometimes. bed time.

Waging War for him

This is C. In all his giggly glory. I was sitting up for a newborn shoot a few weeks back and he decided he need to be my lighting tester. I started to tell him no, as I was trying to get everything ready. And then I realized that in his little mind, this is new and exciting and I can just chill.

Tomorrow (or today, whenever it is you are reading this, On wednesday I should say) we find out the gender of this sweet babe growing inside me (read: I'm so dang anxious) and the days are dwindling of C being the only child. I've shared some of this on instagram, but I wanted to be sure and share it here as well.

The past week or so with C has been trying to say the least. He's learning to push the boundaries more and more. He's little stubborn, strong willed personality is really starting to shine. And when I say strong willed, I mean strooonnnnggg willed. I don't know where he gets it from (cough cough totally me) He's learned to open door (read: my worst nightmare), refusing to eat any food other than chips, throws fits about anything big or small, begs to go outside constantly, and has had constant bad diapers (i'll spare you the details) thus causing diaper changes to be extra special. Just two nights ago, C and I had a stand off over the dinner plate at my parents. He cried for 1.5 hours because he didn't want to eat the nutritious and yummy food in front of him. Instead, he wanted cheetos. Finally, after 1.5 hours, the kid realized that I'm the boss and things will go my way or highway and he broke down and started shoving food in. I quickly praised him for obeying and prayed the entire time the Lord would begin to teach him the importance of submission to authority. Tonight, our battle lasted only 5 minutes. Praise the Lord for small victories. Being consistent in parenting is so crucial.

I've been so convicted lately. of many things. Sitting one night with C while rocking him to sleep after a very long day, the Lord gently whispered "give it to me". We make it a strong habit to pray for his salvation and overall character. But sometimes (most times) I forget to pray for the small things because I guess I think I can handle those. Small things like diaper rashes, temper tantrums and stand offs. I've also be so convicted of how quickly my anger can get the best of me. I want so badly to be a patient, gentle, and calm disciplinarian.  This is going to seem so silly to some, but I record the Duggar Family on TLC and I'm so encouraged by how Michelle (the mom) disciplines. I know they don't share all their methods, but what they do show is nothing but gentleness and calmness. Watching, I became so convicted because I can be complete opposite at times.  I've noticed over the last couple of days, i've really tried to be more aware of how I talk and handle C during these times of discipline. Getting more on his level, looking him in the eyes, speaking softly but sternly. And then afterwards, praying with him about his behavior or whatever is troubling us (diaper rash). This has lead to lots more praying through out the day than ever before because like I said, the kid is stubborn. BUT, today was glorious. C was an absolute dream today. And i know most likely just one of those really good days and that it's going to take a long long long time to really implement all this, but it was like the Lord was showing me that by giving all of C to Him constantly throughout the day will only bear better fruit in his life.

Chirstlike Motherhood is not about raising a perfect, moral, well behaved child. It's about pointing my child to Christ. Constantly. It's about repenting to him when I'm wrong. It's about praying through the big and small. It's about letting them see Christ in me. It's about putting Christ before them and my husband. It's about being Christ to them. Showing them Jesus in every way I can. My kid is awfully sinful and so am I. obviously. But I'm so thankful for the grace He extends and the mercies that are new each morning.

Someone recently commented to me that they wouldn't want to have a second child at this time because their first was close to the same age as C and they were a handful as well. I'm sure this mom is a fantastic mom and will agree/believe with what I say probably (i don't even think she meant it how i received it), but the comment was so sad to me. Children are a blessing. I choose to believe that even in the times of C being an absolute pill and too much to handle, that he is still a blessing. And I just can't fathom not wanting more blessings because one of them is currently learning and growing and exploring (sometimes in negative ways). I was immediately thankful that the Lord allowed this baby during this time. Yes, I know that when this baby arrives it's going to be very hectic and crazy with two kids two and under. I'm very aware. But I would never wish any different and I'm so thankful it's happening this way. There are going to be difficulties at every stage.  I will never be prepared for it. But there is grace at every stage and at each new stage of parenthood, the Lord will use it to mold me more into Him. We are waging in a war against the enemy for our son. Teaching him to deny himself and follow Jesus while the enemy and the world teach him selfishness and pride. It's a war I won't take lightly. Even at 1.5 years old the war is real. If I don't give this kid to Jesus every day even at a young age, I will fail. There will only be victory in Jesus,

Sure, C is learning to push the boundaries and this past week has been hard, but the joy he brings into our lives even amongst the chaos is overwhelming. It's far better than his worst day. I can't wait to soak up these next few months of him being our only. With his outbursts, I'm learning. He pushes me to be a better mom. We are learning and growing together. I'm not just saying this and I'm sure it will sound contradictory, but I love this stage he is in so much. He's so active. New words popping up every day. New facial expressions. New gestures. New forms of showing his love. Everything he does (besides being disobedient) brings a smile to my face. Husband and I talk constantly about new things he is doing and how much we love the little person he is becoming. He pushes the both of us to cling more to Jesus. I love that.

Little C, we love you so much. We couldn't be more grateful that you are our firstborn. We can't wait to see you as a big brother. We're so thankful for the ways you are pushing us to Jesus. Your mischievousness makes us laugh (although we try to hide that from you). Your surprise/excited face is the best thing. ever. Your activeness is exhausting but oh so fun.  We are going to relish in this time of it being just us three, even if it's only for a few more months. You are always a joy and blessing.


phew. that was a lot of rambling. maybe one day when C is where I am now and He and his cute little wife are struggling in the toddler years with their first, they will read this and be comforted and encouraged. I'll just keep telling myself that;)

an essay on family dates

C is currently spreading yogurt all over his Tripp Trapp and self, possibly even my beloved geometric wall, all because I'm sitting here typing this and he's learning how to feed himself via big boy spoon. It's currently one of those moments I'm letting go of my neat freak wanna be self and letting him make a big fat mess because he's learning. And every time he gets his spoon in his mouth his eye brows shoot up like "bajinga! I'm a genius!" and the mess is instantly worth it.  but this isn't any essay on messy, genius toddlers teaching themselves how to use a spoon. So, I'll get to the point.

Family Dates. you mommas out there know what I mean by family dates. They are this magical day you dream up in your mind as being positively perfect in every way (as good ole Mary Poppins declares) and you think because you've bestowed it to be family date day that everything will tick tock on cue. The kids will hold your hand or ride in the stroller humming "oh, what a beautiful moooorrrrnnning" and giggle at nothing and everything. We mothers seem to think that because it's family date day all the stars will align in the world and the most beautiful day is ahead..... hahahahahahahahahahahaha. wishful thinking. Here's what a real family date day consist of outside our wishful dreams.

Little boy is really to young to enjoy most things so there is no point in paying big money for a family date. You realize you need to return a rented camera lens in a part of town you neeevverr travel too, so therefore, this will be the perfect time to explore that part of town, (or just go to its big giant mall and walk around and let your little boy ride the carousel because they are his most favorite things ever). Once arriving to the mall, a miracle happens and you get 15 minutes alone to shop some of your favorite stores while husband pushes baby around a book store. But because you actually have money to spend and time alone, NOT A SINGLE THING IN TWO STORES IS WORTH BUYING! #storyofmylife.

So by this time, your belly is full of food court grub, your christmas money is still safely tucked away in your bank account, and the carousel is completely empty. Just one problem. The $2 carousel only takes cash and you never carry cash. After finally breaking down the stickler of a husband, you convince him it's worth the ATM visit. SO, a $2 ride quickly becomes an $7 ride, but like I convinced husband, it was worth it. Because as sooooon as little boy sees that carousel, his world stops. He lights up, pretends to ride it before it even starts, and talks in baby gibberish you don't understand at all but are pretty sure he's saying "you're the best human on this whole earth and I'll love you till the day I die". He smiles the entire time the ride is going and constantly points to the other animals going up and down and up and down. And then, it stops. And you have to pry his little fingers off. And he starts crying and refuses to take a picture with you. And then the whole time you are trying to put him back in the stroller he arches his backs and reaches out to the carousel. Then you all pile up in the car, drive home, and little boy is asleep before you exit the parking lot.

That's the reality of family dates. They don't always go perfectly, heck they probably never do. The little ones pretty much always ended up crying over something. And, you forget cash. But at the end of it, the little ones are passed out in the back seat because they've had a blast and you get to hold the husband's hand on the drive home. It was a perfect day.

One of my goals this year is to have one different family day each month. Do something we wouldn't normally do for a family date. And although it was just a simple date at a mall, riding a carousel, it's something we never find time to do. The mall is almost an hour from our home, so we never go. Some months I imagine we will spend more money or do something "extravagant". But this month it was just the mall. And it was positively, perfect in every way. kind of.

If you came over for coffee this week...

 ^^this. last. crummy. iphone. picture. swoon.

alternate universes. I believe in such, well kinda. It's that place when you're first starting to wake up. You're still amidst your dreams, but reality is there too. You're seeing purple cows or falling dolphins from the sky who are letting out the moans of your sleeping son, because he's actually really moaning over his video monitor. (You don't dream of purple cow or falling dolphins? weirdos) It's a hazy place. Your head is heavy and your eyes are throwing a temper tantrum over opening, but you hear all that is real. This is the alternate universe. And this is where I just was like 3 minutes ago. no joke. Waking ups sucks. Naps have hijacked my blogging time the last few days. C and I are recovering from not the flu but what feels sure close to the flu and it's sucked all will power to do anything out of me. And poor C had it the worst. Jolly times were had last night when C and I were sitting on the couch and in a matter of .5 seconds, I was covered in his projectile vomit. Lovely mental image, right? Husbands being the saint he is, came home (despite my death threat texts telling him not to) instead of going to a NBA game to help me nurse C back to health. You wanna know what true rush is? Have your kid throw up on you, your couch, and your carpet while one hand is holding your iphone and the other your son and you have to somehow complete the obstacle course that is getting up off the couch without making more of a mess, run to the bathroom without dropping son or letting pieces of vomit hit the floor all while trying to call the after hours nurse (but not get vomit on the phone) but your iphone decided to go on the fritz. That's a rush. an hour later baby was cleaned, his fever was coming down, and I was left to deal with my emotions from handling my first ever really sick baby throw up moment. I have teared up with tears of thankfulness for my sweet husband sacrificing a fun night with my little brothers to help me clean up vomit. (insert long paragraph about how if you are single you should wait for a Godly guy and not settle bc servant hearted, Godly husbands are out there and worth the wait) Today, he's peachy! No fever, no crying, and I swear every now and then I hear him giggle and say "got you last night mom". That kid, even after last night's events, I'm still madly in love with him. So yeah, naps have hijacked my blogging. That and reading. In the last 48 hours, I've read two books start to finish. Mindy Kaling's book (the title escapes me at the moment) and A Fault In Our Stars. Read both. One's hilarious. The other so incredibly sad you might hate me for suggesting it but you will really love me for suggesting it because it's good. real good. Last year's reading list was full of adoption books and theological books, I needed a break, so I read those two. Both pretty secular, but the styles of writing are genius. And I'm a sucker for genius writing.

So yeah, if you'd come over for coffee the past few days, you'd be either 1. sick yourself. 2. horrified from witnessing such a grotesque moment or 3. just now waking up from a nap yourself because I'd have told you about all the naps I've been taking and you'd be jealous. Because let's get one thing straight, naps are boss.

Here's to healthy rest of the week that hopefully still contains naps.